you taught me the courage of stars (before you left)
by DaughterOfPoseidon333
Summary: It had been a long time since Cassian had truly trusted someone. That is, until Jyn Erso stepped into his life. (Major Spoilers for Rogue One. One-shot)


**This movie wrecked me. I told myself not to get attached and, well, that didn't work out so well. I just have so many feelings, about all of them so here is a one-shot to help relieve some of those feelings.**

 **I just love these two so much help.**

 **There's possibly some tense mix-ups because I was having many feelings while writing this, so I don't know what happened. I think I got all of them, but if there's some mistakes, I apologize.**

 **Title taken from Sleeping At Last's "Saturn" (unsurprisingly. it's me. i love my sleeping at last)**

 **-:-**

Being in the Rebellion as long as he had, and as a spy, no less, it had been a long time since Cassian had truly trusted someone. It was sometimes even hard to feel comradery with the other rebels, because so often his job had to be done alone, in shadows and smoky alleyways, through the hushed conversations, the covert swapping of intel, and sometimes finished with a blaster bolt to the head if that's what the mission required of him. Even with Kaytoo's company on a majority of his missions, he found the life of a rebel spy to be quite lonely.

And for the longest time, he thought he preferred it that way. That is, until Jyn Erso stepped into his life.

She was all fire and rage and determined stubbornness. Quiet, too. Not too unlike himself. It was infuriating. And yet…he couldn't deny the connection they had. He was pretty sure she was the first person he'd spoken as much to outside of a mission in ages. Aside from Kaytoo of course. So despite not trusting her right away, there was still something in him that was drawn to her. He found himself watching her when she wasn't looking, studying her movements, her mannerisms. The quirk of her lips, the way her hair fell around her face, the way her muscles bunched, tensed when she was ready to pounce, accompanied by the slight downturn of her lips, the crease in her forehead.

Somewhere on Jedha the distrust of her slipped away. Somewhere between her risking her life to save a screaming child who was a complete stranger to her and the moment where he pulled her from Saw Gerrera's crumbling fortress. He tried to justify the clench of his heart in his chest as adrenaline or fear for his own safety or the mission whenever blaster bolts got too close to her face, or as the dust rained in their hair, followed shortly by chunks of stone too close to their heels. He was lying to himself, but he figured that was easier than letting someone into his life. Especially someone he had only known a few days. ( _When his mind reminded him that it had only taken those few days for her to completely integrate herself into his life and his heart, he lied to himself about that too_ ) _._

-:-

Cassian knew he was really in trouble on Eadu. He was lying to himself. He was lying to her. And maybe that was the reason he couldn't bring himself to pull the trigger. Execution had never been a problem for him. Not during the missions, at least. At night, alone, when there was no one but him and his nightmares, that was another story. But on the mission, he was always able to justify it. It was him or them. But this time…this time it wasn't just him and Galen Erso. It was Jyn, too. And he found himself unable to face her if he went through with his orders. He cursed and lowered his weapon. Upon hearing of the impending rebel strike on the Imperial base, he ran. He'd saved her back on Jedha from that insurgent's explosive, so he couldn't stop now. _Not now, not her, not yet,_ he prayed as he made his way over the slick, stony slopes of Eadu. ( _He wasn't the praying type_ ).

In between shooting down Imperial Stormtroopers Cassian found time to quickly glance Jyn's way and his first thought was that she was so much stronger than he was, even as she was falling apart. She'd still managed to find love in her heart for the father that had left her, that had been a part of the group that had built the Death Star. It had been a long time since Cassian had felt anything remotely close to that, but seeing her hunched over her father's body, something stirred in his chest. Something fiercely protective. Something he'd long forgotten about. He knew then that even if Galen Erso had still died, he'd made the right choice in making sure that it wasn't by his hand. If only so he wasn't directly the cause of the pain and sorrow that lined Jyn's face. Baze and Chirrut covered their backs through the rain and the fire as Cassian knelt down and reached out for her. He hated pulling her away from her father's body, hated the way her voice cracked and she said _papa_ , hated that he lied to her. Still, he got close to her, touched the soaked sleeve of her jacket, and pulled her away from her father, even as she struggled against him. _I can't leave him! I can't leave him!_ she'd begged, and it broke Cassian's heart. He wondered if she was crying, if the rain was hiding her tears.

Even as she threw much-deserved accusations in his face, and he'd yelled right back at her, a small, nearly subconscious part of his brain noted how much shorter than him she was. All that rage and fire and heart packed into a tiny body. It made him slightly less angry, but not enough so that he didn't storm off, completely frustrated at just how completely she'd gotten to him. As Kaytoo navigated them back to Yavin 4, he tried to tell himself that she was only still around because she had to deliver her father's message to the Rebellion. After that, her job was done. She would be a free woman, and he wouldn't have to worry about her anymore. ( _Another lie to himself. He was getting better at recognizing it, but still didn't know what to do about it_ ).

-:-

Cassian had made peace with her leaving until he was standing outside the council room, eavesdropping as Jyn pleaded her case to the council. _Rebellions are built on hope._ It was those words, echoing his from Jedha that made something inside him snap into place. A few days ago he hadn't even trusted her not to shoot him down the second he wasn't paying attention. And now, here she was, quoting the words he'd been told so many times since he was six years old and had been thrust into the Rebellion's war against the Empire. She'd managed to take something he had long ago stopped believing in and made it into something beautiful, something new and something that rang true. After all that he'd done in the name of the Rebellion, it was hard to find hope in anything. But her…he trusted her. _He had hope in her._

He wasn't the only one, either. Cassian wanted to say he was surprised by how many troops listened to him as he rushed from person to person after the council meeting was over. But it was time to stop lying to himself. He would have followed Jyn anywhere, and so would all the men he'd gathered. She was giving them, and the Rebellion, a chance. And it wasn't just a chance for most of them to atone for the sins they'd committed in the name of the cause, it was her. _Rebellions are built on hope._ That's what he'd told her. Well _this,_ this mission, this little Rebellion was built on _her_. She was their hope. ( _She was his salvation_ ).

-:-

Getting the Death Star plans, it was a suicide mission, he knew that. He'd been on enough of them to know the difference. Somehow, he's always made it out in the past, but this time felt different. There was a weight in his chest that told him that the outcome might not be so fortunate this time around. But the relief in her eyes, the smile on her face as she took in all the men that had listened to her words and decided to follow him, to follow _her_ …it was the only confirmation Cassian needed to know that he was doing the right thing. Suicide mission or not, he would be by her side.

She could barely keep the smile off her face as she looked up at him and said, "I'm not used to people sticking around when things go bad." ( _Neither was he_ ).

He leaned down close, maybe much too close, noting not for the first time the inches he had on her. "Welcome home."

-:-

Later, when they were clinging onto the side of the data files tower, Cassian found himself wishing that they'd gotten more time. The few days he'd been by her side had felt like a lifetime. That feeling disappeared in that moment. He barely remembered grunting in pain when he was shot by Orson Krennic and his men, the blast ripping through his side. He barely remembered hitting the support beam, then another, before landing on the grated platform. No, what he remembered most clearly of all was wishing that he'd only had more time. More time to right his wrongs, more time to see the Rebellion's mission through till the end, more time with Jyn. Those days had felt like forever, and in the seconds before his eyes closed and he slipped into a brief unconsciousness, he realized just how short that forever really was. But as long as she got out…as long as she was safe…as long as she got the plans to the rebels and made it off this damned planet…

" _Cassian!_ " she cried his name as his eyes slipped shut and he swore it was the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard in the entire galaxy.

( _No, he couldn't give her the time he wanted to, but he could at least give her a chance and hope that it was enough_ ).

-:-

His first thought when he comes to is that _gods_ his side hurts and breathing is a kind of hard and he's just the slightest bit afraid to look down and take stock of his injuries. His second thought is Jyn. He groaned, reaching for his blaster where it landed on the platform next to him. He gripped it in his hand, pushing himself up off the ground, to his knees, then to his feet. He looked up at the data tower, how far he has to climb, and set his jaw with fierce determination. The realization strikes him hard that just days ago he would have left her to die. Now, the thought of her up there alone with Krennic closing in on her makes his stomach twist sickeningly, his heart climb into his throat.

So Cassian climbs. He ignored the pain in his side, all over his body, and focuses on putting one foot in front of the other. When he gets to the air lock, it takes him several tries, but he finally manages to slip through without getting his legs cut off by the rotating steel teeth. He hears them before he sees them.

"Who are you?"

Cassian raised his blaster and inched forward.

"You know who I am! I'm Jyn Erso. Daughter of Galen and Lyra."

 _Force,_ how strong she is to stare the man who had ruined her life in the face with nothing but defiance and stubbornness.

Orson Krennic doesn't get the chance to ruin her life further, though, because Cassian fires his blaster into the man's chest before he can take his own shot on Jyn. Well, it was supposed to be the chest, anyway. Cassian thinks it might've been closer to the shoulder. Cassian isn't quite stable himself so he decided he was justified in missing just a little bit. The Imperial officer falls either way. And the look on Jyn's face is enough to put it out of Cassian's mind as he leaned against one of the tower's support columns.

She transmitted the Death Star plans with a push of a lever and he gives her a crooked smile as she approached him, stretched a hand out to him. It had been a long time since anyone had touched him the way she had, since he'd been comfortable with letting anyone even get that close. But with her, it was as natural as breathing. She reached out to him and he did the same. And when her rage and fire suddenly burned in her, as she made a move on the immobile Orson Krennic, he held her even closer, whispering, _leave it, leave it._

He wrapped an arm around her for support, nearly laughing at the half foot he has on her. She slipped an arm around his waist as they make their way to the Tower's lift, the sky on fire in the distance. As they step into the lift, the door sliding shut behind them, Cassian knows they are going to die. He knew from the start it was a suicide mission, and yet, there was still a part of him that had _hoped_ , against all hope and reason, that they would make it out of it. Not just the two of them, but their whole team. They'd all been through so much already, and though he was content with his impending death, he wished once again that they had all gotten more time.

Still, he felt freer than he had in a long time. He'd done so much bad in the name of the Rebellion, but at least this way, he could die knowing that he had done _some_ good. Maybe this way the Rebellion stood a real chance of defeating the Empire. He just wished that Jyn got to see it through.

He looked at her now, not even a foot away from him on the lift. They were gripping each other's arms, but at this point, he wasn't sure who was holding onto who more. _I think I could have loved you,_ he thought, taking her in. He knew it was true, even though he'd only known her a few days. Somewhere, somehow, in between all of it, she had squeezed her way into his life, into his heart. He trusted her. Trusted her in a way that he had not trusted anyway in a long time, and made him never want to go back to that lonely life he'd lived before ever again. In the lowlight he could see her eyes, big and beautiful and all colors of green and brown and blue, and he knew she felt the same way.

-:-

In the end, after they'd stumbled from the lift, Cassian decided that if he had to die, he was glad she was by his side. They made it to the surf, where the white sand had turned gold beneath their feet. The light of the Death Star's blast shone in the distance like an artificial sunset, beautiful, but deadly. _This is it,_ he thought. He looked at Jyn, sitting beside him in the sand. Her hair was fluttering around her face in the wind, and he had the sudden urge to tuck the locks behind her ear.

"Your father would have been proud of you, Jyn." He loves the way her name falls from his lips, and loves the way she reached over and squeezed his hand even more. And with the blast and the fire and the waves and that brilliant and terrible white light bearing down on them, they move towards each other as if they had done it a thousand times before. She wrapped her arms around him, steady, unshaking. He can only tell she's afraid by the way she presses tight. He brought his own hands up, pulling her to him, hand slowly making its way up her back to fist in the material of her vest.

Cassian held Jyn in his arms, unaware of his pain, unafraid of the wave of destruction bearing down on them. They'd done what they were menat to do, and though he wasn't sure how much he believed in the Force or fate or any of that, he was sure that he was right where he was supposed to be.

( _As the light bore down on them in their final moments, Cassian thought it was not so terrible a fate to turn into stardust_ ).


End file.
